22 Aug Book Review: Because I’m Not Myself, You See
This new memoir of one woman’s journey through hell and back is an amazing read for anyone, regardless of whether they have experienced the birth of a child or not.
It’s a roller-coaster from page to page as you realise that she really is ill and could be a danger to herself. Motherhood should have been a happy memory, and in Arianne’s case, she is lucky to survive the trauma.
Ariane became a child protection officer whilst working towards qualifying as a psychologist. Being a child protection officer was emotionally difficult, but marrying and becoming a mother to her son became a roller coaster of health problems, emotions and ‘scary breaks with reality’ plus a fear of not being a good enough mother and wife.
The very moment her son was born, she struggles to realise that she is now a mother and that the reality of the birth was not at all what she expected.
‘The baby is wrenched from your body. And… you’re left in the shower wondering what the fuck just happened.’
The baby is unsettled, and the breastfeeding doesn’t work for her. It was just the start of her slippery slope from ‘Motherhood’, Madness and Coming Back from the Brink.
As a psychologist, Ariane felt she should’ve been able to diagnose herself, but she really did have a serious illness and tried very hard to cover it up.
This memoir is full of interesting expert commentary and research from the many colleagues and others who explain various aspects of what was happening to Ariane as she teetered into madness.
Psychotherapy, drugs, hospital admissions— you wonder how her family keeps supporting her with the weird things that happen!
Her husband Robb was made redundant from his job, which added to Ariane’s lack of self-worth and despair as she struggled to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
As you read through the story, you really feel what is happening to her as she stops calling her baby ‘Henry’ and refers to him as the ‘dragon’ and then ‘the baby’, and slowly, as she gets better, he becomes her ‘Hen’.
‘What did it look like when I started coming back?’ I asked Robb. We were out to dinner, sitting opposite one another in a restaurant.
‘Your smile was genuine,’ he says. ‘You would show genuine joy…’
Her childhood expertise with ballet, a supportive family and a devoted husband helped, too.
Because I’m Not Myself, You See
by Ariane Beeston, pub. by Black Inc. p/b RRP$36.99
