03 Jul Party Pressure: Are We Turning Kids’ Birthdays into Parental Showdowns?
Jennifer Dudding reflects on the competitive undercurrent of modern-day children’s parties.
The Cake That Broke Me
My legs were aching, pins and needles creeping through the soles of my feet, and my upper arms were starting to seize up. I felt elation and exhaustion in equal measure, as I piped the last of the icing onto the Thomas the Tank Engine cake – icing that had taken a mere four hours to perfect.
As I stretched my aching body and examined my masterpiece, my father casually lowered his newspaper and stated dryly, “These birthday parties are such a competition between you mothers,” and resumed his reading without further comment.
Now, my usual response to such a comment would be to scoff, but, exhausted as I was, I simply limped away to have a hot shower, unable to contemplate the disaster zone that was my kitchen, his words still lingering in the air.
When Did Celebrating Become Competing?
Weeks later, they returned to me. What is the point of a birthday party? Surely our primary motivation is to ensure a beautiful celebration for our child? Are not our motives pure and simple?
The human race is hardwired for competition. While some maintain that the school years are not competitive, we’ve lived through the reality. Even in those formative years, we knew which students excelled at maths, which child was further along with home readers. We were pushed and prodded into graded classes in high school, where we compared essay results and percentages on exam papers. Our final-year exams loomed as the largest competition of our lives thus far, as we studied endlessly, pitting ourselves against one another.
No sooner had that hurdle been cleared than many of us found ourselves at university, a sea of anonymous people all vying for the distinctions and high distinctions at the conclusion of the semester. Working longer and studying harder to be considered for the honours degree, ever mindful of how this activity or that grade would look on a resume.
Fast-forward to the workplace, and promotion and salary increases are dangled in front of us as motivation to work harder and smarter, and the competitive drive courses through our veins.
The Sudden Halt of the Race
And then a full stop. After years of striving for these goals, some of us wake up to a newborn’s wails. We are suddenly thrust into unfamiliar territory: no deadlines, just a home full of dirty laundry and the endless cycle of feeding and sleepless nights. To employ the standard cliché, our lives have been turned upside down.
Is it any wonder that in some of us, this competitive streak rears its ugly head in our parenting? Is it possible that ‘the party’ is one very obvious example of parental competitiveness?
Surely I was not trying to achieve the perfect party (for a two-year-old!) or enter into some subliminal competition whereby my cake, home-baked goods, party plan and decorations would outdo those of my neighbours? Or was I?
From Pass-the-Parcel to Party Planners
As I continue to reflect on the concept of the ‘party competition’, I feel that, to some extent, my father was correct. Back in the ‘good old days’, parties were a small family affair where a home-baked cake was the pinnacle of the event, along with a couple of presents and perhaps a few simple games.
These days, our options are endless. We can entertain our guests with magicians, fairies and wildlife displays. We can outsource the games to party planners and hire jumping castles, amusement rides or theatre puppets. Assuming thus far that our party is held in our very own backyard, we can upgrade to fairy-floss machines, pay hundreds of dollars for helium balloons, themed paperware, or even a cake fit for a wedding. If this all sounds too difficult, we have the option of holding our party at a different location. Soft-play centres, artistic or sporting venues abound, all promising the perfect party.
The Bigger-Than-Ben-Hur Birthday
Is it any wonder that we feel the need to prepare for a party that is ‘bigger than Ben Hur’? I have heard that some families feel an increasing pressure to invite the entire class to a birthday party once their child enters school! In this age of materialism, have we set ourselves up against each other, trying to outdo each other’s children’s birthday parties?
I am sure that many parents have pure and simple motives, and that their children enjoy wonderful birthday parties; parties where mothers and fathers spend copious hours and many resources to ensure the birthday child and guests have a magical time. Not everyone has a burning, competitive nature. But it is some food for thought.
And if I may say so myself, I thought my Thomas the Tank Engine cake looked pretty good!
