19 Feb When Your Youngest Starts School: The Quiet Identity Crisis No One Warns You About
When the school gate finally closes behind your youngest child, the emotions can be surprisingly complicated. Chaley Scott reflects on the quiet ache, shifting identity and unexpected question many parents face: what happens now?
Everyone said it. “You’ll be fine.” “You won’t have enough hours in the day.” “This is your time for yourself – enjoy it; 3.30 will come around before you know it.” Well, my youngest child, Jack, has started school and I am not fine. I am far from fine.
Is this because he has to be prised off my leg every morning by the teacher? Is he miserable without me, and sobbing, begging me not to leave him? No, he is fine. In fact, he is more than fine – he is ecstatic. The moment we get out of the car, he runs at breakneck speed to his classroom and I can barely catch up to him in time for a quick dismissive kiss goodbye – if I’m lucky.
When “You’ll Be Fine” Doesn’t Feel Fine
So why am I so low, so utterly bereft? Of course, I am over the moon that he loves school, but I am used to him going everywhere with me – the shops, the dentist, the hairdresser’s, the park, the vet’s. And now he’s not there. I spend my days doing the usual chores, but I don’t have to think about entertaining the little guy any more. No need to choose the coffee shop closest to the park so that he can play, no more spending nearly two hours doing food shopping as the little man ‘helps’, no more baking cakes together in the middle of the day. No more just him and me.
The End of the Little Years
Much is said about empty-nest syndrome – when your children leave home – and I can only imagine how hard that must be. But isn’t the departure of all of your littlies into the big wide world of school just as hard? For me, it marks the end of a very special time at home with my children.
My mother, in her wisdom, believes my struggle is less about my son going to school and more about my insecurity about what my role is now (in other words it’s all about me!). She may be right of course, as mothers generally are (not that I would ever let her know that). After more than seven years of being a stay-at-home mum of two, it’s quite a shock suddenly to be an ‘empty nester’ – well, in the daytime anyway. What’s my next move, I wonder?
Who Am I Now?
Do I remain at home as a housewife and enjoy my new-found freedom, as everyone keeps telling me I should? I have tried that approach, and done all the chores I never normally get around to doing, met up with friends in ‘non-child-friendly’ places just because we can, taken up exercise for the first time in, well, ever… and after just a few short weeks, I have realised that staying at home full-time is not for me. This is not because I am a go-getting career woman. It is actually because I am so pathetic that I don’t like my house being so empty and quiet… and childless.
So is the answer to get a job? Now that’s scary. I have a vague recollection of the ‘me’ before children. The me who was seriously into my career. The truth is, though, that I am not entirely that person any more. What woman is after having two kids? But I feel it might be time to be brave, and slowly but surely bring back parts of the old ‘working’ me. The me who wore business suits. The me who went to meetings and said clever things – sometimes. Basically, the employable me.
As my mother says, I should start enjoying this new era in my children’s lives and all the joys that it will bring. The time has come to dust off the briefcase, put on the high heels and polish up the résumé. I feel as if I am going back into the big wide world again. Well, if a five year old can do it, so can I.
