14 Nov Going Through The Motions
Megan Howe hits a hurdle in her son’s toilet training.
The Struggle Begins: Toilet Training Challenges
The bathroom had become a battleground. We’d pleaded, cajoled and offered every reward under the sun, but there was no way our four-year-old son was going to do a poo on the loo.
The toilet training had started so well. At two, he happily did a wee on the potty before his bath. By two-and-a-half, he was in big boys’ undies all day – at home, daycare, and out and about. If he ever needed to do a poo – an event he almost always saved up for home – he’d asked for a nappy.
Why Rewards and Incentives Weren’t Working
It was just a matter of time, all the toddler books assured us, until he’d progress to that elusive poo on the loo. One Christmas came and went with poo, a major player. We had to head home a day early from a holiday at his grandparents’ place because he was desperate to relieve himself but uncomfortable doing so in a house full of people.
As the next year progressed, so did the frustration. We added “poo on the loo” to the reward chart on the fridge. While the rows quickly filled up with stickers for eating all his dinner, for not calling out from bed, and for packing away his toys, the ‘poo’ row remained conspicuously blank.
Increasing the Stakes: Bribes and Promises
The rewards on offer grew. He’d get a small treat for one poo and a special toy or outing if he managed two or more poos on the loo. Somehow, he even railroaded us into promising he could watch The Incredibles – a movie I’d deemed suitable only for very big boys – once he proved his grown-up status by using the toilet.
We racked our brains as to whether he was traumatised by any horrible experiences with constipation or an embarrassing accident that had made him frightened of the toilet. Still, we couldn’t think of any such incident. We read him toilet-training storybooks. He’d happily inspect the poo in the nappy and tip it into the loo for flushing, and he became a regular spectator of what had been one of the few remaining private moments I’d clung on to – a few minutes on the toilet.
Guilt, Peer Pressure, and Setbacks
We tried switching back to the potty, surmising he might feel a bit unstable trying to balance on it—no luck. We tried guilt, peer pressure (“all your friends do their poos on the loo”), and effusive praise at any attempts to use the toilet—all to no avail.
We tried the ‘last pack of nappies’ strategy – but when there were no nappies left, he simply held on. After five days, he was so miserable that I found a nappy in an old baby bag and let him get on with it.
The Emotional Toll: Anxiety and Frustration
After one near disaster in the bath, he did manage to finish the deed on the potty, but he was so frightened that his little body was shaking all over. What had been a seemingly minor milestone for most of his little friends became one of the focuses of our lives. Grandparents, aunts, and friends would ring regularly to check if there’d been any progress.
We sought advice from the local child health centre. “Just leave it for a couple of months, don’t mention it, don’t make a big deal of it,” they said. With great relief, we did as they suggested and just put the nappy on when requested.
Relaunching the Campaign: Poo on the Loo 2.0
But another Christmas passed, he was nearing his fourth birthday, and we had another baby on the way, so we bravely decided to relaunch Campaign Poo On The Loo. He progressed to sitting on the toilet to do the deed – but only if he had a nappy firmly in place.
He agreed with us that his fourth birthday would definitely be the turning point. He’d be a big boy then, and he’d be ready to do all his poos on the loo. He turned four. “One last nappy,” he pleaded, “I’m only a little four-year-old.” Okay, a last hurrah, we agreed. Then he decided he was too big for nappies, but he wouldn’t use the loo either.
A Turning Point: The Big Accident
Again, he showed amazing feats of control, holding on for five or more days to the point where he could hardly walk and was so utterly miserable that we were all in tears. In desperation, I offered nappies, but he refused. He wasn’t a baby.
Eventually, he had an accident, starting in his undies and finishing off on the loo. He received one of the many promised rewards, but we tried not to make too big a deal of it, as he was clearly embarrassed by the whole affair. Another five-day holding-on marathon ensued, and then the breakthrough.
The Breakthrough: Success at Last
He came home from daycare announcing that he’d done a poo on the loo. He proceeded to repeat the amazing feat for us at home that night and hasn’t stopped since. In the middle of dinner, when he’s been tucked into bed for the night, out at the shops – he’ll need to rush to the toilet to do a poo. We’ve gone from up to five days between motions to about five a day. It seems we made a huge mountain out of a molehill. Of course, he wasn’t going to be still using nappies in high school. He just took a bit longer than most kids to let go of the security of his nappies.
