20 Oct Happier Houses Rule
Kate Triglone reflects on the importance of children being brought up surrounded by love and encouragement, and the damaging effects of fear and tension.
Today I saw an irate woman slap someone in a supermarket, yet I did nothing. Neither did any of the other shoppers who witnessed the incident. In fact, most didn’t even appear to give it a second thought. Why? Because the person who was slapped was a young girl and the irate woman was her mum.
It was a hard slap to the girl’s bare arm and the look on the mum’s face scared even me, a fully grown adult. The girl’s two smaller sisters stood together behind the safety of the trolley, looking at the ground, while the mum hissed some words through her teeth. The receiver of the slap, who looked about eight, was wearing a little sundress with tie-up shoulder straps. She immediately put her hand up to the spot that had been slapped and held it tightly while crying softly. Her hand was still there when I passed them again several aisles later.
It was not clear what behaviour led to the slap, but it can’t have been much. The mum was obviously doing a big shop and the girls were probably getting a little bored. Yet they were far from rowdy. In fact, as the parent of a small boy who is a nightmare in the supermarket, I would have been happy to swap places and take those girls shopping any time. Perhaps the woman hadn’t had enough sleep. Maybe the girls had been difficult all day and that was the final straw. Perhaps she was single and had little support. Perhaps financial problems were making her scared. Perhaps she had a traumatic childhood. Who knows?
All I know is that seeing this sort of thing always makes me want to go over and give the child a big cuddle. I didn’t in this instance, because I’m aware that I can be emotional when it comes to kids. I also know that this little girl was one of many thousands of kids around Australia who was smacked today and probably won’t suffer any serious harm as a result. Or will they?
A psychologist friend who works with children and families says that in her experience, the general ‘tone’ of a household is what matters most for kids’ wellbeing. The specific rules of the house, whether there are two parents or one, whether the parents smack or not, are all far less significant than the overall, day-to-day atmosphere of the home.
I really like this idea, because it takes a certain pressure off parents. It means that rules are secondary in importance to creating a home that is, for the most part, peaceful. This is something we are all capable of working towards. Even if you and your partner disagree on some parenting issues, perhaps you can agree to try to create the sort of home that has a loving atmosphere most of the time. Most of us won’t need to make dramatic changes to our life in order to achieve this sort of home. We just have to become aware of the emotional ‘air’ our children are breathing and, if necessary, work towards making it more peaceful.
‘Peaceful’ does not mean sweeping anger and arguments under the carpet at all costs, nor does it mean being lackadaisical about boundaries and rules (a tendency I have definitely had to work on as a parent). It means, I think, ensuring that most of the time the home is not full of tension, spite, manipulation, name-calling or humiliation.
It means trying to bring more fun, silliness and kindness into the home and ensuring that there is lots of ‘do nothing’ time. It means keeping adult problems away from the ears of kids. It means creating a home where kids can rely on there being predictable adults around. And hardest of all, it means being aware of how your mood impacts on others around you, especially your children.
I definitely know there is room for improvement at our house. I need to try to talk less about the stresses of everyday life and more about the beauty that is around us. It’s not that I don’t notice the good stuff as I go about my day, it’s just that for some reason these are not the moments I tend to share with my family over dinner.
I have an uneasy feeling, though, that in the majority of cases, the use of regular physical discipline on kids does not go hand in hand with a loving, warm atmosphere. A certain undercurrent of fear must be ever-present for those kids who know their parents’ moods are unpredictable. I’m talking about those kids whose parents smack hard and often, usually to release their own tension and anger. I’m talking about those kids whose parents call them unimaginable names or dish out constant criticism that must break their little hearts.
These kids know from experience that nobody is likely to step in and act on their behalf if their parent explodes, even if it happens in a public place such as a supermarket. Instead of learning about the fascinating world we live in, these kids have to learn to walk on eggshells. They have to go out into the world and compete with kids who are nurtured with love. Through no fault of their own, they are starting from behind.
I think what makes me saddest about what I observed today wasn’t the smack itself (as painful as that looked); it was the effect it must have had on that little girl’s spirit, and the unfairness that some kids get loads of love and encouragement from their parents while others don’t get nearly enough.
Illustrations by Ron Monnier
