21 Nov Man Up: it’s Baby Boot Camp
Emma Fox prepares expectant dads for Baby Boot Camp.
I’m unusual in my circle of friends in that I had my first baby quite young, while they studied and found jobs. So I’ve seen quite a few friends experience their first baby through the lens of my experience. Most of my friends prepared themselves by reading books, going to extra prenatal classes and so forth. But seeing them crumble time and time again (in exactly the same way as I did) made me think it doesn’t matter how well read or prepared you think you are, a new baby is always a shock.
The first few weeks of life with a newborn are akin to boot camp – Baby Boot Camp.
It’s six weeks of harsh training, with limits tested and new standards of endurance set. It’s also quite different from the experiences of our own parents, with much more involvement expected from fathers. Most of them wouldn’t have it any other way, and as a result of witnessing their precious bundle emerge from a place that was previously a playground (from their point of view), they look at their partners in a completely new light: “Women are amazing,” they’ll gush. “Troopers!” “No way I could have done that.”
But when I see the same couple two weeks later, more often than not the bloke is an angry, frustrated wreck, growling at his partner and grumbling about her hormones. He complains that when he makes remarks to her that would normally elicit sympathy, he is instead treated to an explosive, verbal Armageddon.
It’s easy for those lucky blokes with stoic partners who don’t complain, to forget that their partners are in some sort of constant pain for at least the first month. So here’s an avenue for empathy I offer to blokes who are at their wits’ end after two weeks of Baby Boot Camp.
Go to the toilet and find the sensitive place just behind your testicles – this is your perineum. Pinch it between your fingers and pull hard. If you don’t want to do that, try pulling your lower lip down over your chin as far as it will go… hard… harder. Did it hurt?
Imagine how much it would hurt if you pulled until it ripped. In all likelihood your partner has stitches on her perineum (or elsewhere if she had a caesarean). And while her stitches are healing, she also feels like she’s been mashed between two trucks – she has tired muscles, a cramping womb and sore breasts. She’s enduring all that as well as sleep deprivation and getting used to the idea that she can only rest and get better at the whim of an infant, so that’s why she might explode when her other half complains he’s “a bit tired”. Wouldn’t you?
Imagine you’re in spinal traction after a car accident and someone complains of a stiff neck. How sympathetic would you be?
She’s been the trooper and has the war wounds to prove it. Now she needs you to be the soldier. Even worse for you, she needs you to be able to do it in your sleep-deprived state without being thanked. They say parenting is a thankless task – well, this is Parenting 101 for New Dads, and you get to practise on your partner first.
“But why?” I hear beleaguered blokes ask. “I’m tired too. I’m not getting any sleep either. My life has also been turned upside. Why do I have to be the strong one?” “Well sweetie, because it’s your turn.”
You’re both in Baby Boot Camp, adjusting to the lack of sleep and the new and interesting noises – only she’s wounded and you’re not. So don’t be the bloke who didn’t. Be the hero.
Carry your comrade-at- arms through the next bit of Baby Boot Camp because she needs you to. When that light appears at the end of the tunnel (and I promise it will), wouldn’t you rather greet it together?
New dads of today have it tough; the learning curve is steep, and the work is hard and performed under duress. Everybody is doing an admirable job. But if any of you blokes ever need to be reminded why you have to step up, go to the toilet and find the sensitive place just behind your testicles.
This is your perineum…
