14 Aug 5 phrases parents should never use with a tween
The teenage years are great, aren’t they? writes clinical psychologist Jari Evertsz
Just as we feel that we’ve got the hang of managing our primary school-aged kids with all their different sporting activities, their quirky food preferences and their love of sofa cuddle-time, along comes High School and our children’s behaviour starts to change. Suddenly they are ‘talking back’ every single day, don’t want to spend any time with us, and are never where they say they’re going to be! It’s no wonder that parents can feel all sorts of things from bewildered to very cross indeed.
In my practice as a psychologist, one of the things that parents tell me is that exchanges can become more volatile. If we feel that our kids are repeatedly ignoring what we say, or outmaneuvering us with their lightning-quick wisecracks, frustration starts to build. It’s then that our contribution to the situation can become less useful. Let’s have a look at some of the traps that we might fall into
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“You’re grounded!”
If a teenager has just done something that we really don’t like, we often feel that we have to respond on the spot. And if we do that, we might come out with the same tired old trio: grounding, banning, and taking away phones. But it’s actually much more effective to put a hold on our responses. Giving yourself a good amount of reflection time might reveal a) exactly what you are feeling and whether you’d like to explain that to your child, and b) what the best possible consequence might be. The ‘tired old trio” seems to run out of steam very quickly, and a consequence that emphasises the child’s responsibility and their need to make reparation to others (but is fair) is a lot more educative.
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“Come back here right now!”
If your child has successfully walked away from you, yelling at them and raising the emotional temperature is not going to achieve a lot (except for them hurling more insults and you becoming angrier). Don’t follow them. Rather – wait. When they are more accessible, explain that walking away with rudeness is not allowed in your family (it’s a good idea to discuss your family’s rules from time to time, so they are clear before any behaviours need to be addressed). Ask them if they think they made a mistake. And let them know what you feel should happen as a result. If the consequence or warning is fair and reasonable, they may even spontaneously say sorry. And there’s no damage to your relationship.
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“How dare you!”
Sometimes we might feel very hurt at something our teenager says in the heat of the moment. However, since they are stuck in the fastest-changing and weirdest phase of their lives, it is up to us to try and slow down escalation, and by doing so, to model how we would like to be treated ourselves. Teenagers are still in the midst of their development, and how we handle conflict becomes their template for doing the same. So, if they come out with a hurtful expression, try to bite back a verbal response that lashes back. Give yourself some time (and maybe gain some support) and speak to them at a time that feels more accessible. Then you have every right to explain how hurt/let down/ you feel. Their defences will be lower – and they might actually hear you
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“Please behave yourself.” Or – ‘Be Good.”
Unfortunately, these convey absolutely no information about what you would like to see. How about trying a concrete request, such as, “Could you and your brother try to be quiet while I’m in the room with the physio? I’ll get very stressed if I hear the two of you acting up. It’s only 15 minutes – can you manage that?”
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“Erm, that’s beautiful, love.”
If you are looking at a child’s piece of writing or art, vague praise conveys no information and starts to feel a little false to the child, especially if it is repeated often. Perhaps try to be more specific: we might say “I really like how much work you have put into the illustrations. Look how it’s making the body of the text stand out. And the skill you have shown in the finish is way better than I expected.” Being specific rather than just effusive treats your child’s work with dignity and provides more accurate recognition of the effort that they have made. Watch them glow when you try this one!
The teenage years throw lots of confusing things our way, and sometimes we can feel completely thrown by the pace of the changes. But remembering to give yourself some time, using moderation in your responses and a bit of creativity in the consequences can go a long way to helping you to feel like a parent once more.
Jari Evertsz is a Melbourne-based clinical psychologist and author of The Well-Behaved Teenager (and Other Myths), released in Australia, RRP $29.95, published by Inspiring Publishers. Now available in eBook and paperback directly and all good bookshops.
