14 Aug Making a Move: One Mum’s Guide to Settling the Family into a New Home
When Kathy Muhlhan moves her family interstate, she takes on the invisible load of helping everyone settle in—while trying to feel at home herself.
Taking on More Than Just the Move
I like to think of myself as the house manager. I keep everything running smoothly. The family is fed and clothed, and they get to the right places at the right times. But recently, we moved interstate, and I am finding that my managerial role has been expanded to include so much more. What does ‘Mum’ do when a family moves to a totally new environment? I am discovering that she does quite a lot more than I expected.
Moving interstate or to another country is never an easy thing to do. Add a husband and children to the equation, and the move becomes exponentially harder. Everything is new. There are no favourite places, no comfortable routines and no friends who know you and love you. Once the new job, the new house and the new school are found, there is still so much to do. It is my job to find a new doctor, dentist, playground and supermarket, as well as after-school activities and, importantly, friends. Creating a new network takes effort. It involves meeting lots of people, learning names and organising play dates for the kids. If you’re slightly introverted like me, or even a little shy, this can be exhausting.
No Timeframe for Feeling at Home
So, how long does it take to fit into a new place? When I was pregnant and very sick, at least I knew that there was a time limit to my suffering. It wasn’t going to last much longer than 40 weeks. But fitting in, making friends, feeling at home…there’s no set time for how long this process will take.
The Emotional Toll of Starting Over
There was a promising sign last Monday. When we arrived at the car park at school, my kids got out of the car and disappeared. They knew where to go, what to do, and had friends to meet and play with. That reminded me of how challenging the previous months had been. Every time we went somewhere new, the kids would cling to my legs, not wanting to go inside and meet new people.
They would ask endless questions, such as “When can I see my old friends again?” “Why did we have to move?” “I liked my old school better. Can I go back there now?” Letters to old friends, phone calls, and tears at night all took their toll on everyone’s emotional state. I tried to remain positive and encouraging: “You will make new friends; it just takes a little while.” “You’ll like it here eventually; try to be patient.” As I comforted them, I was also trying to convince myself that the move would be okay; that we would settle in, make friends and stop dreaming of returning to our old home.
Being the Anchor for the Whole Family
This week, while having coffee with a new friend who had also moved, we discussed the settling-in process for us as the ‘non-working’ partners. (As all non-working partners know, we do work, but our jobs are unofficial and unpaid.) Scratching her head, my friend struggled to describe what it was that had filled her days since moving to this new city. Together we realised that we had been the ‘non-anxious presence’, supporting our children and husbands as they bravely (and, at times, not so bravely) moved into their new work and school environments.
We had to resist taking on other jobs because we needed to be the anchor at home. Without us providing stability, the rest of the family would struggle to break new ground. We were the holders together of new routines. We had been the explorers, checking out the scene. Carrying a map at all times, we found where we were meant to go. We were bridge builders, inviting new friends over for play dates, and getting to know other parents, new school routines and expectations.
I like the term ‘non-anxious presence’. By staying calm, sane, available and encouraging, I am helping myself and my family to fit into this new environment.
Starting to Settle In
What have I been doing for the last four months? It doesn’t seem like much. Most of it has been about supporting my husband in his new job and helping the kids to settle into their new school. I am still sane (just), mostly calm, available and attempting to encourage my family. Maybe we are finally starting to settle into our new home.
Illustration by Ebony-Jo Gamble
