13 Nov Why We Parent Like Our Parents (Even When We Swore We Wouldn’t)
Even the most mindful parents slip into old habits, explains Dr Amanda Mullin,
When Old Voices Sneak In
We all start out with the best intentions. I’ll be more patient, we promise. More understanding. More aware. And then one day—somewhere between the school run and a supermarket meltdown—we hear our parents’ words slip out of our own mouths. And we cringe.
Before kids, we imagine ourselves handling tantrums with calm wisdom. We follow parenting experts, read all the right books, and picture endless moments of connection. What we don’t imagine is the sheer intensity: the sleepless nights, the stress, the fierce love that knocks the wind out of us. Parenting tests every part of our nervous system—and it’s often in those tired, anxious moments that our own childhood experiences quietly take over.
The Lessons We Never Knew We Learned
As children, we absorbed thousands of invisible lessons about love, safety, discipline and what it meant to be “good.” We learned how approval was earned and what brought disapproval. Without realising it, we built an internal blueprint—deep beliefs about how to be a parent, a child, or even a “good person.”
Then along comes our own little human, and suddenly, that old wiring kicks in. Under stress, we don’t operate from our calm, rational selves—we fall back on what’s familiar. Even if we’re determined to do things differently, our old patterns sneak through.
You might snap at your five-year-old for being too loud at dinner because you were once told to be quiet at the table. It hits a deep nerve because it’s not just about your child’s behaviour—it’s about your own history.
The Hard Part of Growth
But here’s the thing: you’re not that child anymore. You’re the adult now—the one with power and choice. When those old reactions surface, the shame can hit hard. Because the parent you want to be—the calm one, the kind one—wouldn’t have said that.
That’s the messy middle of growth. It’s where awareness meets change. You’re breaking patterns that once felt safe but no longer serve you or your child. And yes, it’s hard work.
Rewriting the Script
So what helps? Try curiosity instead of criticism. Notice what triggers you. When you feel your patience slipping, pause—even for a second—and describe what’s happening:
“My child is melting down, and part of me believes that means I’ve lost control.”
Then add a new perspective:
“My child is overwhelmed, and they need me to stay calm.”
That tiny reframe is the work. It’s the difference between reacting and responding—between old wiring and new awareness.
Parenting isn’t about perfection. It’s about noticing, choosing again, and growing alongside your child. Every time you pause instead of react, you’re gently rewriting generations of learning—and creating a little more space for compassion, connection, and grace.
So as my mum would say, “Stop whining—and start trying.”
Dr Amanda Mullin, Clinical Psychologist and Founder of Mindworx Psychology & Think Differently
