05 Jun How to Stop Parenting Resentment from Ruining Your Relationship
No matter how long or strong your relationship is, parenting changes things and has an undeniable impact. In this piece, motherhood and matrescence coach Amanda Jackson explores why the care work of raising a family can result in disconnection and resentment for couples.
The Hidden Expectations Fueling Resentment Between Parents
When we become parents, we bring with us a lifetime of assumptions about what parenting will look like. These expectations stem from our own upbringing, as well as cultural, social and gendered norms around what each parent ‘should’ do.
When Equality Slips: How Couples Drift Into Uneven Roles
Even couples who start out with a vision for an equitable sharing of parenting work can be pulled into unexpected patterns. Couples need to know they haven’t failed. The systems we rely on as parents are failing families.
The patriarchal system in which we parent assumes that mothers will perform the majority of parenting and domestic labour because mothers, instead of fathers, will cut back their workforce participation to care for children.
Although we’re starting to see change, the systems we parent within have historically offered parents little flexibility to equitably participate in the workforce and raise their children.
During maternity leave or longer absences from the paid workforce, domesticity is often framed as a mum’s contribution to the family unit. Cleanliness and organisation symbolise ‘good’ mothering, and often this is what we’ve seen mothers do.
The Mental Load Is Real – and Often Invisible
Couples often don’t realise they’re drifting into resentment until they’re deep in it.
The daily decisions around who is available to do pick-up and drop off, to collect a sick child, to notice the wipes are almost empty, to research developmental milestones, to prep dinner and mentally map out the week ahead might sound like small responsibilities, but they compound into emotional exhaustion and resentment when unevenly distributed.
Rebuilding Connection Starts with One Honest Conversation
The first step toward reconnection is acknowledging that resentment doesn’t make you a bad partner – it makes you human. Try starting with a judgment-free conversation where both partners outline their expectations of themselves and each other, as this can help highlight where resentment originates.
Creating a shared understanding of the full spectrum of care work and paid labour is essential. Mapping paid labour commitments as well as the domestic duties, the mental and logistical loads, as well as the emotional energy that goes into caring for our families, makes the responsibilities we’re carrying visible.
Strengthening Your Relationship Through Shared Parenting
From there, we can create rituals to map out what our families’ needs are each week or month, where each of us needs support, and potentially what expectations we can set aside.
When we make the invisible loads visible, we make space for empathy and appreciation.
It’s not always easy to get clear on what’s involved in raising a family and sharing the load fairly, but the reward for this challenging work is a relationship that grows stronger through parenting, rather than being diminished by it.
Amanda Jackson is the author of Motherhood & Matrescence, out now.
Mandy has a background in psychology and sociology. She completed her thesis on the regulation of pregnant women’s bodies and has extensive experience working with families, young people, and mothers.
