26 Feb When Your Child Doesn’t Quite Fit: Navigating Parent Groups with a Gifted Child
Parent groups are meant to be supportive — but when your child develops differently, they can feel unexpectedly isolating. Erica Sharplin reflects on raising a gifted child, the awkwardness of standing out, and why finding “your people” can make all the difference.
Parent Groups: Supportive — Until You Stand Out
Parent groups can present a wonderful opportunity for mums and dads to get a little down time, swap information and find a willing ear. But for the parents of very bright children, parent groups can be an alienating experience. Other parents really notice their child, and them by default, and often make comments about their child’s advanced development – not all of them kind! Not everyone likes to stick out in the crowd, but with a gifted youngster it can be hard not to.
When Giftedness Shows Early
My first child was at school before I learned that he was gifted. Aside from being demanding and intense, he and I encountered no real social obstacles during his playgroup years. He mixed well enough and therefore we fitted comfortably into a number of social parenting groups. But with Max, my second child, his giftedness was evident from a very early age and noticed by everyone who met him. The most noticed of his ‘gifts’ was his verbal fluency. When he was about 18 months old, his language, quite literally, progressed overnight from absolutely incomprehensible gobbledegook to complete sentences. I remember the moment very well. We were halfway through a three-month trip around Australia, journeying from one hot outback town to another, when it happened. His first sentence just fell out. I turned to my husband and asked him whether he’d heard it. He had. I turned and spoke to Max, and to my utter surprise he answered me in a fully formed sentence. It was as though the puzzle pieces had suddenly fallen into their correct places.
Comments about Max’s linguistic abilities became commonplace. Shop assistants, doctors, educators, librarians – everyone noticed Max and his advanced development. And not always in a positive way. I still flush with embarrassment when I remember the perfectly articulated mouthful he gave a shop assistant when she gently asked him to return an item to the shelf. You could almost hear the thud as her jaw dropped. I’m sure that never before had she been so roundly told off by a two year old.
But it wasn’t just Max’s verbal fluency that drew attention; his whole personality was quirky. He had a very sophisticated sense of humour, he loved to make others laugh, and he was highly expressive. The day I accepted that he might well be gifted was the day I worked out that he’d taught himself the letters of the alphabet from the keyboard of my computer.
The Expectations Gap
So obvious were the differences between Max and other children, that at times I felt uncomfortable in parent groups. Other kids quite liked Max, but I wasn’t sure other parents did. And at times I could see why. His emotional maturity lagged well behind his cognitive abilities – he was (and still is) out of sync. People expected more from him behaviourwise because he could speak so well, but I knew it wasn’t really fair to expect more because he was still a two year old, even if he didn’t think like one. At times I think that parents just didn’t know how to relate to him.
Minimising Your Child to Fit In
In an effort to help us blend in, I found myself putting Max down, for example, by minimising his talents and abilities or highlighting flaws. My standard line was “Sure he can talk well, but have you seen his temper?” And then I’d feel bad about saying those things. I knew it was no way to build my child’s self-esteem.
Finding a Place Where Difference Is Normal
Eventually I decided that we might feel more comfortable in a group of equally bright youngsters. The only problem was that no such group existed. So I decided to start one, and it turned out to be a great decision. With the help of the Gifted and Talented Children’s Association, a playgroup was formed. In a strange way I felt as if I was coming out of the closet. And I know it feels the same for some of the other parents who come along to the group. At last we all feel comfortable to openly celebrate our child’s achievements and enjoy their quirky behaviour.
Related reading
- Raising a gifted child: social and emotional needs
https://www.mdpi.com/2227-9067/8/11/953
(Open-access research exploring the social and emotional experiences of gifted children and what helps them thrive.) - Gifted children through the eyes of their parents
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC9857033/
(A freely available study capturing how parents experience raising gifted children.) - Parenting gifted children: challenges and practical tips
https://www.davidsongifted.org/gifted-blog/parenting-gifted-children-challenges-and-tips/
(Plain-English guidance from a well-known international nonprofit supporting gifted families.) - Gifted awareness and education in Australia
https://www.aaegt.net.au/gifted-awareness-week-blog
(Australian perspective on gifted children, education and family experiences.) - Parenting gifted children when they feel different
https://cleverkidsconsultancy.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Parenting-with-Eyes-Wide-Open.pdf
(A publicly available PDF reflecting on parenting gifted children and social isolation.)
